Aevum: Help... ...PleH

Something… that is all I can feel. I have the feeling of being afraid of something, mixed the feeling of being totally lost. I tried to go for a walk up on my mountain to fill better, halfway up I lost interest. So, I thought maybe a trip to the pond, but as I walked closer to the pond it just didn't seem to call to me. I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm giddery, longing for something, but knowing, a deep inside me knowing that I will never find it. It's like replaying the very last words a good friend or relative ever spoke to you. Knowing that you will NEVER see something again. Lost. Totally lost. Not a foggy lost, but completely off the path, with no way to find the way back, wanting to stop and ask for help, but not even knowing the words to say, feeling like you speak a completely different language that NO one understands. Here I sit, or walk, and not even my Yoga breathe techniques seem to help. Xanax may be my only hope, but before I self medicate myself I want to get a glimpse of what is causing this.



A logical recap:

None of my dreams, or anything I watched this morning should have pushed me into this feeling. It is completely separate from my thoughts and feeling; it hit me out of the blue. A worry that has no merit or anything. I even checked the Dot, the Weather, and the Solar Flares. Nothing… I try to trust my own body, and trust my feeling, but this, this feeling of completely being lost… I just… just don't understand anything… I don't feel like I can consintrate on anything other then this message I'm writing…. I hate these feeling bad things seem to follow… I mean HUGE bad things. Like 9.11.01 or people getting hurt or worse… I don't wish for these feeling to go away, I hope that their source is something silly and stupid something I can look back on a laugh at my silliness… Please pray this is the case.





Its waves of emotions I'm having, some literary hurt. It's a pain inside my soul, something like a heart ache, but more related to a head ache then heart break. That feeling of hopelessness, a feeling of Melon Collie, and a sharp blackness of the soul. It's the feeling that reminds you that you were born to die. Dieing inside… longing to live forever… everything is gray, and the daytime is always here… flashes of lights in my eyes, flashing to the back parts of the brain, unable to think at anything, but the udder nothingness and hopeless I feel…. Help help help is what I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but only in silence knowing no one will come… feeling my heart pound in my chest as I think about the very thought of everything…. Feeling the world gets smaller and began to crush me… feeling that pain in my back, and in my leg, seeing everything brighter, shaking… fearful, but not of the unknown, but something my body seems to understand without the knowledge of my brain, its not death, but worse….

Lost...

Dreams: Ain't Love Grand

Ain’t Love Grand
Current mood: Dreamy

Dreams do weird things to our waking reality. A sleeping dream opens the mind to a brand new area of untapped possibility. This is the power of dreams.

It was this very morning that the feeling hit me. After a long night of strange and crazy dreams the feeling of that perfect girl was there.

Dreams of Tornados in the city as I go Treasure Hunting with friends in the New and Improved Akron Zoo. Taking a college class where I'm late getting to class because I want to spend that extra time with that special girl. But, not a normal class it's a class on Reading Minds, and building Puzzles. It's a dream of digging up the Civil War cannon that is on top of my Mountain.



The perfect girl, she will want to dance to all the sappy songs on the radio, and no matter how busy we are I will want to as well. She will be of high energy, positive, looking forward to each day, not because it could be the last, but just because everyday is a wonderful day. She will ground me in my dreaming, not telling me they are unachievable, but damper the excitement just enough so the goals are obtainable. She will drive my friends crazy the way I drive them crazy. We will be a perfect team, but also have our own unique qualities that everyone loves in their own special ways. She will know how to build me up, and tear me down when the emotional highs and lows are called for. She will be like that perfect aged wine choice, with a fabulous dinner. They are both great, but together something rare for the pallid.

Here is my fear, my fear is I'll be blinded by something else in life and miss her. Fate can only take you so much of the way, love needs to kick in and take you the rest. She is out there; I can feel it in my bones. She's the reason I know I will be ok, I just wonder where she is, who she is, have I seen her, or is some strange twist going to bring us together. Will meeting her add a story to my life's fable?

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic in love with the idea of true love. In love with the thoughts that someone could really be perfect for me, in love with every one of my dreams.



Ain't Love Grand

Aevum: "Heat" or Spring Fever update

Update:
So, about my going into Heat post. I think it's safe to say that I'm not going into heat. I think that my feeling of this craziness inside me is a mix of spring fever and falling into like. Fall into like is completely difference then love, I'm always in Love. I'm in Love with the idea of love, I'm in love with the trees, and I'm in love with my mountain. Falling into like is that feeling we had when we were middle school, when you have a crush on a stranger, it's not important where it leads, but the felling is everything. I so love all the feeling of being alive. I'm thankful of all the sensations we will. Those sexual chemical that course through our bodies are so… so undesirable!

Having this deep of a connection with spring and nature is so wonderful… lucky me!

Remember to stop and smell the flower

Aevum: "Heat" or Spring Fever

I've noticed the subtle differences in me lately. I'm hoping it's one of two reasons. One of them being spring. If you've talked with me, hung out with me or really read anything I've written in the last few days you might have noticed the playful cockiness. I think this is just the beginning, cross your finger and hope it is just spring fever. Now, I bet so many of you are totally lost. What the hell is Justyn saying is this Justyn talk again. Well, it is but it isn't. Let me start from the beginning.

A lot of you know how if you're of the female persuasion it's a terrible idea to hang out with me around the full moon. Some of you might not have known this, but think about it, I bet I avoided you around the full moon. So, why do I avoid cute girls around a full moon? Cause I want to fuck you, that's why… no need to be coy here. You all know me well enough and if you don't well now you know me a little better. Back to the point. Once sometimes, twice a year, for an undisclosed amount of time, the Full Moon syndrome hits me. I mean like a pile of trucks that are hauling loads of bricks. If on a full moon my horny level is 10, then when I'm in "Heat", which is what I call it. It's at like 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 how ever the fuck that much is.

So, I'm fearful that I'm about to go into "Heat" again. I only went into "Heat" last year once, and it was only for a few days, but I think that it was due to being in a new location. In the past it's lasted from a few days till an entire month… lets hope for my sake it's a few days. Why tell you this. Many reasons. If I avoid you, if I try to convince you to sleep with me, if I go totally insane and start running around whispering sweet nothing into the night air… I'm also writing it to just write it down. People in the past wanted to know the stuff I think about… here it is. Crazy right… Fuck you! Hehe maybe I will…



Let's just hope it's one of the 2 things I talked about in the first paragraph. Wish me luck. And I'll keep you updated

Dating: match.com

Ok, Party Kyds,

in the quest to find that future exgirlfriend I joined Match.com. Hree is my new and improved profile.

Are you the type of girl that is looking for the little notes left on your car when you go to work, or the flower delivered to you just because it’s Tuesday, that’s not me keep looking. Seeking that perfect balance of mischief, mystery, adventure and great conversationalist? .

I have tendency to stand out in a crowd. My friends say I’m a social butterfly. Though, I prefer to keep my circle of friends a bit small; however if you’re an exceptional woman and we are perhaps compatible, then I would love to meet you. I’ve tried to cram my image into that cookie cutter form, alas not possible, my mother let me coloured outside of the lines when I was young. I’m passionate about my ventures in life. I’m high energy, unpredictable, and my fashion is versatile, from black and white tie affairs to jeans and a hoodie. I’m never bored! An out of the box thinker, who likes to run with scissors. Everyone turns to when times are tough. Goofy, silly with piercing blue eyes. I love the outdoors. Summer or Winter. The smell of the Autumn leaves is my favorite though.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the past and future we miss the here and now. Many years at University, and a few good books later, I adopted the Philosophy "simple joys yield great pleasures”. Simple things like catching a glimpse of a shooting star, that perfect dance where it is as if your dancing on the clouds, or admiring the architectural beauty of some great designer.


Are you:
Do you have the hunger for new knowledge; tolerant and patient of different viewpoints?
Warm summer evening, we may be sipping red wine, sitting on the porch deep in conversation. You are someone who likes to play outside and get a little dirty. Looking to be loved for who you are not what you’re wearing. A sweet nice woman, with that playful bad girl streak. Seeking a lover, a friend, who really listens, someone you can open up to? Are most boys you date low-key, and low energy. Do you want more then just TV dinners and warm beer? If this sounds like you, I’m your adventure waiting around the bend. Email me, what are you waiting for?


If this isn't you, don't waste my time


let the research begin!

-out-

Aevum: The Art of being single

The Art of being single

Its evening like last night that remind me to my core how being single really feels. It was the first nice night of the year. Which meant its time to remind me how alone I really am. I mean don't get me wrong I would never make the choice to move down here a different one. I would do it again and again. It just going on 2 years since I was in a relationship. Part of that is due to me trying to get over my heart being broken, but it is also due to lack of datable girls. See I'm totally not understood here. Not that I was ever really understood anywhere… It's funny I never would have guessed I was a loner. These past 2 years have taught me different.

So what do I do about this? Do I change who I'm? or do I just wait… I believe the right answer for me is waiting. I know, and I'm happy with who I'm. I was just born in the wrong time, and in the wrong place… Nice guys really do finish last… I just hope that it's true that they do finish. We will have to see. Life is about the adventure, and mine is truly a fantastic adventure.



Sometime I think I'm just too sappy for my own good. Like does a girl who enjoys dancing on the mountaintops really exist? Maybe I'm more of a girly then most of the girls I know. If girls are looking for their prince charming, I'm looking for my beautiful princess. Someone who wanted to truly be with me. So be life I guess.

I guess, when I say I stand out in a crowd I guess I do more then I ever thought, I'm a guy who isn't just looking for sex, who doesn't like one night stands, who wants to make love, instead of fuck… who wants to be looked at as a person, not some sexual being. Someone with real morals, not these shake and bake Christian morals that so many seem to pretend to have… I see the importance of right and wrong, and know the difference, and how the same action can be wrong and right depending on the person and the situation… I guess only time will tell. I guess I'm writing all of this to remind myself that I'd doing the right thing… What do you think? I'm?

Whispering these words into the wind. I ask you to bid me good luck, and see that my path leads me to ones that desire my company. This is what I ask you, as my friends to do for me. Can you live up to the challenge? I will see you on the flip side, till that fateful day. "The sweet isn't as sweet without the sour"