Baron's Weekly Dating Advice
Handling Her Period
By Stephanie Eldred (Edited by the Baron)
How to deal with her period
You know it's coming; it happens every month without fail. It's her period. Her period of what? Well, that depends on the girl. It could be crying, fits of anger, yelling, pizza consumption or chocolate obsession. Regardless, you'll have to agree that it is in your best interest to keep your head down, figure it out and take it like a man -- especially considering that the alternative starts with a "Honey, I'm late" conversation. For the most part, in the 7 to 10 days before her period, PMS-inflicted women have been given license to run amok, and survival should be your main goal.
- Red = Dead Enough Said
While it might seem like she turns into a screaming banshee just to make your life hell, rest assured that it's no picnic for her either. Fortunately, there are ways to make it easier on the both of you -- the focus needs to be on reducing her irritation and discomfort, which will in turn reduce the ear-splitting yelling, irrational arguments and fits of tears that you'll have to endure.
- Sappy movies on hand works wonders. Notebook, A Walk to Remember, snacks. Think of it like babysitting, Snacks, and some form of lowkey entertainment. Where you will be doing all the clean up at the end. You don't like the idea; I guess you don't really like sex enough then! Baron is an expert on PMSing woman. Really!
Read on for tips that you can rely on month after month to get you through her PMS episodes and her period. Each woman is different, but the effects of PMS can be universal, so use this handy guide to find her symptoms and customize your battle plan.
Don't point out her PMS symptoms
Women can be touchy about being labeled as a raving lunatic for a few days a month, and very few will admit that they're affected. If you notice her behavior getting out of control and you feel the need to mention it, just don't blame the PMS. Assuming that her behavior is strictly due to her raging hormones, it will discount the possibility that her feelings are valid, and will therefore only make her angrier.
You might consider yourself to be a pretty funny guy, and some women do provide plenty of fodder for entertaining comments when under the influence of PMS. Save the commentary for your buddies, well out of earshot of the lady in question. The last thing you should ever do is make jokes about her symptoms, whether it's acne that rivals a teenagers', an attitude reminiscent of Attila the Hun, or eating binges that conjure comparisons to a pack of wild dogs. There isn't a woman alive who won't react badly to even the gentlest ribbing, so it's best to pretend like nothing is any different than usual.
- Meaning: Shut the fuck up, and hide. Stop talking, if the Baron can stop talking during the Crimson Wave, anyone can. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. The Bitch can kill you!
Don't drop any surprises
Your girlfriend is bound to be a bit moody at the very least, and possibly depressed or anxious, so the last thing you want do is spring any kind of surprise on her. This can include any big news that can wait for a better time when she can give it her full attention with a sane mind and without the impact of her period. In fact, you better expand the big-news category to include any questions or problems that would require her to make grand decisions.
Obviously, small gifts and simple treats don't fall into the particular category of surprises that need to be avoided; a thoughtful bouquet of flowers or her favorite meal will make an even bigger impression than usual if she already feels a bit emotional.
- Meaning: Stay Hidden! Shut the fuck up. See if you're not talking then no questions will come up, and no surprise will either. Urgent! If Mom calls and wants to stop by meet her someplace else!!!! This also goes the same for your other girlfriend, but that should be a no brainier. Small gifts like Chocolate and Ice Cream are time tested true brownie point winners!
What you should be more concerned with is those surprises that can't automatically be taken positively. For example, while you may have had many conversations about how to decorate the spare room and have thrown around some ideas, you may not want to go ahead and surprise her with a full-blown renovation or impromptu decoration if there's any possibility that it isn't exactly what she imagined. Likewise, big purchases that she should be included in, like that brand new 57" plasma TV, might be a bit more than she can handle right now, and her temper might win out over your sincere gesture. It's best to discuss things with her in advance during the best of times, so don't skip that step when she's even more likely to overreact.
- If you got the kick ass TV already let your buddy borrow it for a few days… Really!! If you don't and you think you could lose sex privileges when she is not ragging it, you are totally fucked if you surprise her when she is ragging it! NO Sex for you! EVER!!! lol
Reduce social activities
Feeling bloated, sore and uncomfortable doesn't make for an enchanting evening, so don't be surprised if your lady doesn't live up to her usual social butterfly standards around this time of the month. It's always a good idea to check with her before confirming social plans that include her, and it's even more vital when her body and hormones have a mind of their own.
Be especially aware of events that might require her to dress up, a lot of women get a little bloated, while some can gain up to five pounds in the week before their period, which means you will probably be subject to wardrobe mayhem and the "Do I look fat in this" extravaganza. The same goes for physically active social outings like a group rock-climbing trip or camping expedition, running it past your girlfriend first will either let her make the necessary preparations or will let her suggest dates that are a little more appropriate for her.
- Remember the bitch is bleeding!!! Red liquid is trying to run down her leg, who wants that risk at a social event? Chill, be patient and find that lowkey activity!
This is also a good time for you to make sure to squash the possibility of surprise drop-ins from your buddies for the big game by planning something out of the house. Playing hostess is not likely at the top of her to-do list, and you won't want your friends around to witness the aftermath of her latest meltdown.
- FUCK! A crazy bitch is worse then being grounded for those high school parties!!! Just remember that!!!
Accommodate her diet changes
Women often seek comfort food, carbs and chocolate when they're PMS-ing regardless of their otherwise strict diet. Don't be surprised if your Atkins-devoted girlfriend manages to scarf down half a pizza -- no really, don't be surprised -- and don't comment on her new dietary choices. It isn't up to you to monitor what she's eating, and the best you can do right now is stay out of her way, and maybe keep the kitchen a little more stocked than usual.
- Cookie Monster! If you bleed for 5 to 7 days you'd be eating like a cow too! Wait don't you anyways?
When she complains that her clothes feel a bit tight and she doesn't feel great, rather than point out the six brownies she ate in one sitting yesterday, grab her hand and take her for a walk. The exercise and fresh air will help to improve her mood, and she'll appreciate that she doesn't have to deal with an I-told-you-so boyfriend who is doubling as the diet police.
- Fuck, if you are one of the guys above I really want to know how the fuck you ever get laid? There is a totally difference between Asshole, and fucking total ass losers. Fucking call her fat on her rag, fucking moron.
A bonus reminder that can help you all month long -- and is worth paying attention to if you value your life -- involves the foods you spot around her kitchen. If you see snacks that seem like things she wouldn't normally eat, don't take advantage and grab them thinking she won't notice. You may have stumbled across her secret stash of PMS snacks, and if they aren't there when she goes for them, there will be hell to pay.
Take on some of her chores
If you're lucky, you might get away with a woman who is simply a little bossier than usual; whether she's asking you to run to the store to pick up tampons or help her with yard work, if her chore list is within reason and physically possible, just do it. The very last thing you want to do is introduce any opportunity for conflict where it isn't absolutely vital.
- Headphone, and a six pack, yard work, and tampon trip a piece of cake. ( Yeah just where the headphone into the store and keep listening to the musik.)
Your otherwise perfectly capable girlfriend might just be asking because she needs to feel looked after or because she doesn't feel up to doing something herself. Either way, you need to weigh the benefits and consequences of starting an argument about taking out the trash or some other mundane activity, and decide if denying a request on principle is worth more to you than earning a thank you and some peace and quiet.
- A thank you = ah I will want to fuck him when I feel better. An argument = fucking bastard I will show him, no sex for a week or two…
This tip doesn't just apply to what you do; it also applies to what you don't do. Simple things around the house that usually get on her nerves, like the never-ending toilet seat debate and the clothes in the hamper debacle, should be avoided when you know she's already on high alert for yelling opportunities.
Hormonal hell
While it isn't your job to walk on eggshells around your girlfriend a few days out of every month, it might be a wise investment. You could be one of the lucky ones who escapes with only minor inconveniences and slight adjustments to daily life, but there's always a chance that you'll end up with a woman who requires a bit more effort and finesse. Keeping these tips in mind can help you in both situations, and can not only help things run more smoothly, but they just might save your relationship.
- Red Wings. I'm just going to leave it at that! *Baron has earned his red wings
